To go to bed angry: advantage or disadvantage?
Never lie down with anger! – The old saying wakes. However, according to Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, a clinical psychologist, it can also be an advantage if we sometimes get angry with our partner.
– The desire to resolve a conflict before going to bed is especially common for those who grew up in a family where the parents were constant Says the expert. – They usually don’t even think of simply put the conflict aside and go to bed.
– For others, this tendency is due to the saying that « never lie down with anger. » That is Sometimes it stems from the belief that unprocessed anger can be deeper overnight and lead to deeper resentment – added dr. Sabrina Romanoff psychologist in In the article of CNN. « The council is likely to be rooted in the idea that resolving disputes is essential to maintain harmony, » Romanoff said.
« There are also some who refuse to debate in the evening because of toxic positivity, » Whiten added. They think they should be able to quickly discuss things with their partner, apologizesolve the problem and happily finish the evening.
Finally, among the reasons, there is also anxiety about what can happen if the partner wakes up the next day, and so the next day will pass. It sounds like a good rule to never lie angrily. But not always useful, or even specifically can be harmful to the relationshipsaid Romanoff.
More harm to fatigue
To resolve the debate, sleep delay can be returned for several reasons. According to experts When we are exhausted, we have less inhibition and thus less control our emotions, so we can be more impulsive and more likely to say or do things that we do not take seriously and we regret it later.
Our problem -solving, listening and reasoning skills, which are all essential for effective communication, can also deteriorate, especially if we spin it very much. These factors can further exacerbate the problem.
It is better to sleep on it
– The sleep reduces brain reactivity to negative stimuli, helps process emotions and restores the ability to approach problems Said Romanoff. – A rested brain is better prepared for thoughtful, respectful communication.
It may not seem important the next day what we argued. Whatever concerns, they can be expressed in a less emotional or defensive way, ultimately to the relationship.
According to Romanoff Every debate would be better to wait until the next day, except for the rare cases where something has to be decided that night.
It’s hard to fall asleep
Suppose we want to sleep, but it is difficult to go, we lie awake and pondered while our partner is deeply asleep – in this case a lot of bitterness and bad feelings can gather in us. They are in many cases a from anxiety They are coming, ”Whiten said. From an emotional state in which we are afraid of uncertainty or abandonment, which is often due to childhood experience.
« In this case, we almost instinctively strive to try to return to a state where we feel safe in the relationship, » Whiten added.
Many times stakeholders feel that the only way to treat their anxiety is to try to fix things right away. But When someone is afraid or tired, conversations with their partner will not go as well as when they are relaxed and relaxed. In fact, these conversations can even lead to situations that increase anxiety.
Regardless of why we can’t let go of the problem, there are things we can do to calm down and relax.
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For a long time, most theoretical professionals thought that childhood had a decisive impact on the style at all times.
Help to calm down
To suspend the debate, it is worth agreing at a time and place for further discussions. If we know that things will be resolved soon, it can help me so calm that we can sleep.
– Couples can try to maintain any of the rituals that confirm the basis of the relationship, For example, say « I love you », hug each other, or ask for a good night, ”said Romanoff.
According to the expert, if we continue to participate in these rituals, it conveys that commitment to one another is more important than the current disagreement, providing a relaxation without ignoring the conflict and balance between immediate emotional security and need.
« If you read this tip, we think » if I’m angry, I can’t say I love you, « then this stubbornness can be one of the reasons for frequent conflicts, » Romanoff said. « The more we say » I cannot learn new methods for building relationships « , the less likely the relationship will work, » he added. – You don’t have to do these things happily – a monotonous « I love you » or a short kiss can help a lot. It is not about denying anger, but about reinforcing the bond between partners, he explained.
Self -regulation can also be important. According to Whiten We can try to meditate, write a diary, do breathing exercises, or distract our attention with a quick shower. Or ask ourselves, « How can I handle things so that my future self is proud of me? How can I take care of myself as a parent would take care of his troubled child? »
