Teenagers, the psychologist Matteo Lancini: « Socials fill a void, they are not the cause of pain »

For understand their malaise We need to go beyond the simplified vision with which we observe it and judge by losing sight of what really matters: the authentic relationship, the only way to tune in, really, with the new generations. Matteo Lancinipsychologist and psychotherapist, in his latest book, Call me adult (Raffaello Cortina Editore, in bookstores from 25 March), addresses the theme of loneliness of young people and answers the questions of the Corriere della Sera What adults can do to better understand today’s guys.

What are they looking for?
« There relationship with the other, especially with parents. We are in a historical transition phase, in which collective thoughts must be reorganized and a shared valiant system is missing. We are living The era of dissociation where everything is worth and the opposite of everything. An example is the way we consider the social networks of which we adults we make a immoderate use, looking for audience at any cost, but which then, when the search for popularity becomes youth challenge, They are pointed out as the cause of all evils ».

He explains what he means by « relationship with the other »?
“I am referring to authentic relationshiptheThe only antidote to the increasingly widespread evil among the boys to feel alone in the midst of otherswith Parents who struggle to recognize the emotions of their childrenespecially if disturbing, because it would mean dealing with their own. Adults who move following the rampant culture of « doing » and « control », be careful that the rules are respected and organized the days (smartphone yes/no, Parental Controltasks, etc.) and that are felt the more reassured and satisfied the more they manage to carry out the « tasks » in the times and in the pre -established methods. Actually Contemporary teenagers seek significant, authentic and responsible adults who listen to their needs And they help them answer the questions that base the identity: Who am I? What is my role in the world? « .

Why are intergenerational relationships in crisis?
«If parents and teachers claim to be » in relation « and The boys feel alone There is something that is not working in the affective plot that regulates relationships. Have an authentic relationship it is much more than listening, It is feeling that there is someone with whom you can put your emotions in questioneven the terrible ones and of which we are ashamed or those that can hurt. The question we should ask ourselves every day is: Do I act according to the needs of my son or do I do it to feel a good parent? We should stop the role of « investigators » e focus on the relationshipsupport them in the construction of their identity, also digital, and respond to their needs for recognition and affirmation ».

How to « stay » with a child who suffers?
«Fassening a context of reception in which pain or despair can become a word. A child who does not express his discomfort feels that the parent is not able to tolerate a certain type of communication, on the other hand no one would talk about one problem to another who, instead of helping you, denies it or worsens it. We live in a society that removes pain, which has pornographed emotions, which has legitimized the possibility of sharing our most intimate life on the net and, instead, we are concerned that our teenagers are on the web. The excessive use of social networks, smartphones and online video games On the part of the boys it is an effect, a attempt to fill the void, to soothe the sense of solitude experienced every day among others not the cause of their pain ».