Research into children who are sexually exploited by their parents shows: ‘these victims exist’

Nobody saw it. Her parents were neat people for the outside world. Neat people in a normal house, in a normal neighborhood. People who brought their child to the playgroup, celebrated Christmas and birthdays. But that, says Lorette van der Werf, was an alibi for her. « A brutal color. »

The people she called mum and dad had her sexually abused at a young age. In a video call, Van der Werf tells, she is now in the late forty, about the impact of that suffering and betrayal. That they can talk about it is due to a long search. « A survival battle. » She carefully chooses her words, because she knows what this topic can evoke: denial and rejection. « You fight not only against your own demons but also against a society that seems to be blind to it. »

This Thursday, a Dutch study will be published for the first time into children who are sexually exploited by their parents. The Center for Children’s Trade and Human Trafficking (CKM) has been calling for this attention since 2021. The reason that there is no plan of action yet, says Shamir Ceouleers, head of the CKM, is that police and care providers do not recognize the signals. According to him, that is the core of the problem: « You only see it when you dare to see it. The policy is based on registered victims. That is one loose puzzle piece, while inherent in this exploitation that it is deeply hidden. »

It’s really time for action. This investigation shows: these victims exist

The task of the CKM, explains Ceouleers, is to make the invisible world of human trafficking visible. The goal: better protection of victims, and persecution of perpetrators and ‘customers’. Based on its own research, the center provides the government and authorities (unsolicited) advice. Now about children who are forced by their parents to sex with adults who sometimes pay for it. Ceouleers: « It is really time for action. This investigation shows: these victims exist. »

In addition to studying relevant scientific literature – which turned out to be hardly there – the CKM data of Chat with proud: An online helpline where people can talk anonymously about abuse and other forms of violence in dependency relationships. The outcome of that analysis: in 112 of the 1,380 chat conversations about human trafficking between 2019 and 2024, a parental figure was mentioned as the perpetrator. The victims are on average fifteen years old and almost all girls. Most of them were acute danger at the time of chat. What is striking is that the group is significantly younger than victims exploited by others. And that the exploitation by a parent takes longer – sometimes even more than ten years.

It is plausible, says Ceouleers, that we look at the tip of the iceberg. « We have to do it with who will be in the picture. But what about those who don’t succeed? » Loneliness, isolation and fear of losing everything, sees the CKM, hinder children to ask for help. The youngest victim who reported to Chat with proud was nine years old. Ceouleers: « Suppose you are even younger. To what extent are you able to think of: I need help? »

Short -circuit

Lorette van der Werf only realized that it was not true what her educators did only after many years. As a child you don’t understand anything, she says, you are alone. She was born abroad, and was very young when a Dutch couple adopted her. From the abuse – how it started, where it happened, who were involved – she cannot remember everything. « Somewhere along the way the light went out. » The better she can articulate what it did to her: short circuit.

A « spiritual infarction, » that’s how you have to see it, she says. « I lived with these people, I had no choice. » That there is a socially accepted system that places children in such situations – adoption (« a means a thousand times worse than the ailment ») – she still cannot contain. It caused a deep distrust. Did she happen to end up with these people? Or was it organized design? « As an adopted child you are actually sold to a stranger. »

It’s not just about the abuse, she emphasizes. « It is also the stifling environment in which you are trapped 24 hours a day. » Just as in most cases from the CKM investigation, the father (« The adoptive vein, my perpetrator ») was the most important exploit, her adoptive mother was complicit. Everything, says Van der Werf, revolved around confidentiality. « They indoctrinated me: » Black girls like to lie. Nobody will believe you. You are a very strange child.  » And I have to say: it worked.  »

« Emotional coercion, » the CKM calls this. To force a child to sexual services, the perpetrators use different means: from intimidation and physical violence to isolation and drug with alcohol, drugs or medication. But sometimes, says Shamir Ceouleers, that is not even necessary. « In the relationship between parent and child is already a power relationship, of loyalty. It is a coercion in itself. »

The research of the Center for Children’s Trade and Human Trade is called From bad to worse Because a lot is going on in the families from the chats. Sexual abuse and child abuse are often preceded by exploitation, possibly because perpetrators themselves were once victims. Debts, poverty or addiction can be a motive for offering children for sex, and there can also be escalation. First they are friends or family who pay for abuse, later strangers.

Society complicit

Nobody is thinking about it, or dares to think about it. That makes sexual exploitation with parents as the perpetrator so complicated, says Lorette van der Werf. In her eyes, society was complicit, by the way in which adoptive nurses, minorities, and also so -called benefactors are looked at. And that while many customers are « in higher circles ». « My perpetrators benefited from that. »

She can still panic the sound of a doorbell, from campers, parking spaces, old cameras. « A young child on the basis of an adult is terrible to see. As if it is being transported from one location to another. » She learned, she says, « live with two brains. » One does everything to belong to the group, to participate. Her other brain is dealing with the fear of death and the pain.

What I went through is a prison. But by being open, I leave more and more light

Trauma, Van der Werf knows, will sit in your cells. So deep that you no longer know who you are, how to live. At one point, she says, she started laying puzzles: « I had to organize to stay afloat. »

About twenty years ago she started working in youth care: « I wanted to understand the system, and so in fact arrange my own liberation. » She worked in ‘just about every form of care’ and tried to use her experience to improve it. Practitioners, she saw, often not trust the child’s voice. And the emotional instability that you go through when you have to work on traumas should not be there. « Whether you are young or old: the responsibility is placed with you, you have to do normal very quickly. But that’s not how it works. Then you will never get the chance to heal. »

She now uses her ‘acquired expertise’ to give advice. As a speaker at congresses, source of information and participant in academic workshops, she is committed to better youth care and mental health care. In the meantime, step by step, she increasingly shared about her past. « A lifelong process. But when I saw the message from the CKM on LinkedIn that there would be an investigation, I was ready for openness. »

She wrote the preface to the CKM report that gives her life context, and makes children visible in the same situation. She never dared to dream, she says, that recognition would come. « What I went through is a prison. But by being open, I leave more and more light. »

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