Nicole is tired of waiting – at the same time as her identity is being questioned
« What’s your name? »
« Do you have pussy or cock? »
« Haha have you changed your voice too? »
Nicole Johansson was sitting on the bus when the first glittering words came. She is 37 years old. As many years she has lived in the wrong body.
And the wait for her new life continues.
Almost six years ago Nicole Johansson started wearing nail polish and mascara everyday. There was nothing she reflected on in the moment. She studied and felt that she was in a permissive atmosphere.
Until a day when she stood in front of the mirror and made up.
– It suddenly came to me that « okay this is me ». And it is the same person who stood in front of the mirror at home when I was a child and took mascara from my mother sneakily and tested feminine clothes.
The insight about her gender affiliation caused her to faint. Then it was clear to her. She felt that she had no choice but to accept that she is trans.
– I had no words for it when I was a kid, I just thought I was sick. But that day began understanding.
She started telling people early on that she is a trans woman. When asked what she wanted to be called, she said « Nicole » without blinking. It felt like a matter of course.
She sought care for the first time in 2019, got to start hormones in 2022 and was able to apply to change legal gender in the fall of 2024. When it has gone through, she can stand in the waiting list for gender correction surgery. According to the latest information she has received, the process will take about two years. That means eight years of waiting.
– I am not allowed to feel as good as I can do. I do not start any intimate relationships but wait with everything like that. It’s hard to go and wait to start living.
From 1 January 2024 is the care for gender dysphoria nationally highly specialized (NHV). This means that all surgical procedures are performed at Karolinska University Hospital, the University Hospital in Linköping and Sahlgrenska University Hospital. Nicole Johansson believes that trans care reform is positive – but questions resources.
– Resources are definitely not enough as they are today. Then it is not good that everything is so south, based on living up here, says Nicole Johansson.
The National Board of Health and Welfare follows up the units granted NHV. Among other things, they have mapped the queue times. Cecilia Dhejne, psychiatrist at Anova Karolinska University Hospital, works as an investigator in the Trans Medical care and was involved in the investigation that led to parts of gender dysphoria becoming nationally highly specialized care. She says that the long queue times are due to staff shortages.
– No one works in this care who wants these queues. Since it has been a little different in the country, there has been a discussion about whether one can make a common national care queue to level out the waiting times. But it is technically extremely difficult as we are not allowed to share patient information between regions, says Cecilia Dhejne.
Nicole Johansson has long measured bad by living in the wrong body. Recently, she has noticed harder noises, including after Trump’s cuts of trans people’s rights.
– I notice that it is blowing right winds when I’m in town. People have been given more courage to go ahead and say nasty things. It feels very insecure.
She says that people have told her that she will regret, or generally questioned her gender. She emphasizes how such comments are dangerous and fears that the world situation will dilute more debates about transgender existence.
– Care is vital. Going and waiting can cause a lot of suffering. And it has caused a lot of suffering for me, says Nicole Johansson.
