It is important in motherhood not to lose yourself

Modern challenges

Danguolė Swedavičienė, a psychotherapist for psychodynamic psychotherapy for children and adolescents, distinguishes two important aspects of modern motherhood.

First of all, an abundance of information. Lots of different training, literature, different ways of parenting, forums. All of this opens up more opportunities, but at the same time, moms are disturbing, as the information is often contradictory and easy to get lost.

Another important aspect of maternity is a lot of household facilities: washing machines, vacuum cleaners, dishwashers, no longer diapers, nappies used, easy to replace, easier for children to be mobile, the necessary tools (milk mixes, creams, medicines) can be easily purchased.

« It seems that the household seems to be simpler, but moms often do not feel that way. Probably because of all facilitations and cleanliness standards, change and attitude towards parenting, » says the psychologist.

D. Švedavičienė also notes that the labor market, career opportunities for women who have become moms are very individual. If the mother of a partner or loved ones at home receives support and help, if the employer is flexible and empathically looking at a woman’s new duties, it is certainly likely that career opportunities do not diminish and remain open.

« Sometimes, after returning to work, moms recover, and even a shorter time spent with the child becomes better when his mother returns to her child, » says the specialist.

However, if the mother does not get the help, support from the environment, where the specifics of the job require a lot of time, she may feel more guilty, it may be difficult to perform any of her duties.

The psychologist emphasizes that in Lithuania, about seven out of ten women are experiencing a sense of guilt about the coordination of profession and motherhood (guilt that too little time is spent with the child, fault, that child raising does not go to work as much as other colleagues).

Emphasizing the individuality of the maternity and career relationship, D. Švedavičienė notes that for some moms it is motherhood that opens her career paths and helps you discover your business.

Danguolė Švedavičienė / Photo by Personal Archive

Environmental pressure

Like all areas of modern life, social networks, which often share experience, are affected by motherhood.

According to the psychologist, all moms are different, so the effects of social networks are different. Moms who feel safer are able to evaluate more critically, choose content, and rely on it to complement their daily lives and the child.

« However, social networking trends only show positive, embellished content, non -sleepy, tired, hormone -affected moms can certainly distort the image of normal motherhood. There may be shame, feelings of guilt, that they are not involved in any particularly active, creative, creative, well -being, ”explains D. Švedavičienė.

According to her, anxious mothers who want a child are somewhat degrading to the « supermam », giving the word a negative meaning, but it is very important to understand what lies after that anxious behavior.

By constantly exceeding their capabilities, moms can get tired and no longer enjoyed by children and feel unhappy. This can interfere with the creation of a good and secure relationship between the mother and her child.

The personal health clinic specialist notes that there are many stereotypical beliefs in our society about the roles of moms and parents in raising children.

« For dads often, it is enough to do something with a child (to cook together, to play in the park), and he is a good dad, the environment notices it, praises it.

The quest to be the perfect mom

For a variety of reasons, moms sometimes seek flawless upbringing even exceeding their potential. D. Švedavičienė emphasizes that it is not the amount of time spent with the child, but its quality.

« With constantly exceeding their capabilities, moms can get tired and no longer enjoyed by children, feel unhappy, and may no longer be satisfied with the current situation. And this may disturb the good and safe relationship between the mother and her child, who is very important for a mother’s ability to enjoy her child, » the psychologist points out.

According to her, a tired or artificial parenting techniques are harder to notice the child’s emotions and feelings, she may focus more on the opinion of those around her and not see what is happening to the child, not to understand it, which is a very important function of parents. Seeing frustrated, tired, tense parents, the child can perceive himself as something wrong, disappointing because his mother is not happy with him. This can lead to a variety of emotional, behavioral difficulties.

Cases of divorce and the creation of new families are increasingly influenced by their mother’s life, both physical and emotionally.

The psychologist notes that statistically, children are more likely to live with their mother, which may cause their mother’s work opportunities, decline in financial resources, and lack of time for themselves.

When child care is shared, moms, especially if the relationship with the former partner has been or is conflicted, may have feelings of guilt, anxiety and insecurity, leaving the child with a former partner.

« The creation of new relationships is also a lot of challenges, and moms often want to stay loyal to their children, the distribution of attention and love for the new partner and children can create an inner contradiction, inappropriateness, and there may be more fears about the security of the relationship, the future, » explains D. Švedavičienė.

Emotional balance is important

According to D. Švedavičienė, motherhood is a very individual experience, often poorly related to belonging to a social group.

If we were to divide people into social groups by income, occupational duties, we would notice that the ability to allow the child to allow everything, can sometimes be involved with a better mate and child’s well -being, but not necessarily. Like the lack of income, sometimes does not adversely affect either the child or the mother, of course, if it does not interfere with the basic needs.

The psychologist emphasizes that in motherhood, it is very important to keep in mind yourself, your needs, even very simple (walk alone, have a longer time, calm your favorite drink, calmly, swimming, meeting friends, etc.). And it is not a selfish aspiration, but a necessity to do « mom’s work ».

It is important not to stay alone to implement it all. « In the past, people lived in tribes, villages, communities and moms received a lot of physical and emotional support, and the child was the responsibility of that very close community. At the moment, when closed in their homes, apartments, motherhood becomes very lonely, » the psychologist observes.

She emphasizes the importance of having your own community, a « tribe » from which she can get help, compassion, emotional support that allows you to retreat and rest. This allows for a good feeling of mom and child. And when moms do not have it, there is a risk that subjectively perceived maternity experience will be more difficult, more tedious.

The psychologist advises relatives to have the conditions for moms to have free time for themselves, sometimes physically with the child, asking if they do not need any help, sometimes with very earthly things such as homework help, cooking. It is important to just look for a mom as a person (« How are you? »). And the moms themselves should remember that asking for help is not bad.

In the opinion of the specialist, it is also necessary to deal with environmental pressure. If social networks have a negative impact, they should be restricted and more filtered with visible content.

Currently, there are plenty of theories and tips on how to educate, raise children, but it is important to understand that every child is individual and not all tips and ways are effective.

« The rising feelings of guilt are often the satellites of moms life. We all make mistakes, it is important to recognize them, try to notice what we are doing well and to enjoy our achievements, » emphasizes D. Švedavičienė.

However, if it is difficult for themselves to deal with emerging problems, it is always worth consulting a specialist.