How much friendship fits parenthood? – Diepresse.com

They go shopping, traveling, baking, tell each other what they experienced today. On the evening walk together across the dirt road, everyday things are discussed and privately analyzed. If you believe your stories, the impression arises that no sheet fits between mother and daughter Autoeder. Let alone a hard separation between parent and friendship. « I tell my mom everything, talk to her about boys and supposed taboo topics, » emphasizes 16-year-old Helene. « The first thing she learns when I have to report news listens and gives me advice. »

This is particularly important to her mother. « She should have the feeling that she can come to me with everything. And also to receive feedback. I am proud that she looks at me as a friend. » The bond was not so intimate, as is well known, you experience ups and downs in growing up. « Of course, topics come up during puberty that you don’t want to discuss with the mother first. But I have already asked if she smokes or how she behaves at parties. » Most of the time, Bettina also had an opinion that she did not leave in secret. « I also react without being asked. But then it is also okay if she points me to my place, » said the 52-year-old.

Speaking of limits. It is important to be so pronounced to pull the friendship so pronounced: « I try to give a long leash – in a set of rules. What I don’t like is when doors pop and are not spoken for three days. » It is the stricter, more consistent educational person in the parent association. « If something contradicts my principles, then a no must apply. Even if my husband gave in, I will remain with the cancellation. Helene should learn that not everything is without a floor. »

Family therapist Katharina Henz also warns against it without ever having enough without ever having enough. « A mother-child relationship is always asymmetrical. One person has the responsibility for the relationship and education. In a friendship, both are equally responsible for the partnership. » So the friendship in motherhood is apparently a contradiction.

But only first, as she emphasizes. « That does not mean that friendly qualities, such as listening, should have no space or trust. » It becomes problematic when parents start fulfilling their own needs for support and confirmation by the child. Or even want to become « best buddies »; A role in which you avoid conflicts « to secure the good relationship ».

The age of the child plays an important role. There is a completely different dynamic between parents and their adult children than with adolescents. « I can fool with a baby and make nonsense. But not as an educational attitude, » says Henz. Overall, but above all in the accompaniment of pubescent, she says, two things must be possible: the overarching, authoritative, controlling authority and the participative, cooperative negotiates. « I can neither negotiate with a four-year-old whether he goes across the street at red-nor with a 15-year-old whether he takes drugs. »

Conflicts. You also come across resistance, compensates for it. « You have to endure that. » It is worth being strict when you love someone. « The world does not go under if you argue. » Otherwise you are in a kind of hostage relationship. « From the fear of not having it funny anymore, I make myself blackmailed as an educational person. » Regardless of whether it is a son or daughter. « It is only a stereotype that mother and daughters are narrower than the other way around. »

Nevertheless, in both cases the relationship is more emotional than a few decades ago. « In the past, the goal was to play the children and to wash their hands after the toilet, » she spikes the comparison, but today children should be emotionally ripe and equipped with great self -esteem. Parenthood becomes more and more a matter of course instead of a social matter.

Ulrike Zartler also observes this change. The family sociologist researches at the University of Vienna. « Until the 1960s, people spoke of command households. Replaced by models from the 1980s and 90s that were characterized by negotiations. In the meantime, the focus is on advice. » As a result, children are increasingly seen as equal, autonomous people.

A change that mother Sabine Weinhandl supports. The 60-year-old Styrian has had the experience of always being involved in negotiations by her mother-even those who were not suitable for her. « My mother has often shared her worries and fears. As a result, I saw myself in the responsibility to make her happy. » It is all the more careful to maintain a friendly grant towards her children. « I want to be a companion, protector and confidant – at eye level. And not the other way around my children to be there for me. »

Only those who are at the children’s level can also maintain the child in themselves. This is the only way to show a certain innocence and lightness. « But I was never the playmate. But the educational person who accompanies her children; on excursions, into her creativity and social settings. You can harvest the fruits today. » Her daughter, Friederike, agrees. The two spend as much time together as possible, are in constant contact, together on vacation or in the thermal bath, « nothing feels as natural as to be with my mom ». The older it would be, the sooner the boundaries between mother and friendship would merge, emphasizes the 27-year-old.

The difference is strongly felt when there is a dispute. « A discussion with her was always the worst for me, hit me the most. » In conflicts (which rarely occur), Friederike often has the feeling that the mother role comes out much more. Sabine agrees. « For me, clashes are extremely stressful; I become emotional and loud. I would never appear to another girlfriend. »

Functions. Another difference is the willingness to listen to and support without settlement, says therapist Henz that this is the responsibility of a parent, not with friends. « I can’t expect a friend to get up at three in the morning and call the lawyer. » Normative and legal connection also comes into play in delicate situations. « Maternity cannot be canceled. This creates the opportunity to honestly discuss difficult. As well as the trust that the relationship will remain. Unlike in a friendship, » adds sociologist Zartler.

Various functions such as protecting, educator and role model, all of this has been misplaced in a friendship. As well as to learn good behavior in social interactions. « The expectations of good mothers are now utopian. They cannot be fulfilled for a single person, » says Zartler. This is also why she warns her to bury her the tasks of one of the best friends.

The relationship with the peer group, which are mostly peers, and each with different objectives, content and designs. These two levels should not be mixed. « The goal of a successful motherhood should not be to be the child’s best friend. » Although the bond is no less emotional.

The bond in the house is also emotionally strengthened. There was never anything unsaid there to keep home peace. « I have always taken my mom seriously. Follow her instructions. Perhaps it is this respect that has already arisen in childhood, which today enables friendly affection, » says daughter Helene. Among their classmates there are only a few similarly strong parent-child relationships.

But even her grandma, whom she calls her « classic housewife », has learned to become more modern through the influence of children and grandchildren. As a « traditional household that has modernized », mother Bettina outlines her personal education experience.

So you have space, the friendship in parenting. Although not equally pronounced at all times. While the protective and control function is central in puberty, the consultation later gains in importance. In every phase, the certainty that his parents are heard must be heard. Provided that there is a trusting basis that is based on respect from both sides.