« How do I help my son with a broken heart? »

Mother: « Our 25-year-old son is starting to become pessimistic about his chances in love. Every time he dates with a woman, she breaks the contact after a few times. Sometimes he is really very disappointed. His attitude is now: » It will not be anything.  » To be honest, he’s going to be fine: he’s going to be fine. That is not my role as a mother.

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Marga Akkerman: “According to developmental psychology, this is the phase in which people are looking for relationships for the longer term. In that respect your son is therefore doing well. But people in this age phase no longer obviously have the skills to make and keep contact. The communication via social media is a different experience than what you can actually use to make contacts.

« Go talk with your son about the way in which he can ‘live’ contact with a woman ‘live’. What signals can he pay attention to? Does she ever look at him? What does she do when he comes close? Does he have a good opening sentence? Does she respond interested or not? She can have little experience in making contacts.

« Let him keep it first at Small Talk where he listens to her with full attention. Perhaps he has the idea that he has to tell a lot about himself to get interested? That often happens, but rarely has the desired effect.

« And how does he feel with this woman? Would he feel like the next appointment? Is she nice enough to ask her telephone number? Let him think about it. A next appointment is not mandatory. »

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Daphne van de Bongardt: « Dating is messy and difficult, especially at this age. Dating sites make the pool of possible candidates bigger, but increase the chance that you have less common than when you meet in your own circle. Moreover, the bar is high for a partner nowadays. The apps arouse the suggestion that it is possible to swip until you find it.

« In this complex interplay of factors it doesn’t have to say anything about your son that the other person does not want to continue with the dates. There is someone opposite him with her own search, wishes and uncertainties. At the same time, you can encourage him to be curious whether he does something that ends negatively.

« Also encourage him to talk to his friends about this. How is it dating with them? And what do they say when he tells this? » You’re a top cerem, just like that!  » Or: ‘Your expectations are also very high’ friends are also important sources of support and reflection.

« If your son’s self -confidence is too damaged, you can suggest him to talk to a professional. »

Marga Akkerman is non-practicing clinical youth and child psychologist. Daphne van de Bongardt is professor of relational and sexual development, education and health at Erasmus University Rotterdam.

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