Hit series ‘Adolescence’ makes a lot of loose among the parents of teenagers: « ask yourself: am I emotionally available? »

In the Netflix hitserie Adolescence Thirteen -year -old Jamie kills a girl of the same age with knife stabs. In the episode at school, where the police are trying to unravel the motive, the son of the detective takes his father apart to explain to him the code language of emojis about women’s hatred and humiliation. He can barely tolerate his father’s ignorance. « Fantastic acting, » says Karin Lagraauw. « They look completely past each other, really live in different worlds. That is reality. »

Lagraauw, who works a lot with young people as a coach, shared a personal story on LinkedIn last week as a result of the series. Last spring, their son, then fifteen, was hunted by a group of older boys after online stories were circulating. Lagraauw’s knowledge Lissa van Zijp also tells her story. Her daughter was extorted through Snapchat three years ago. “You start to think: Where did I go wrong? »

For the brightness: their teenagers are not perpetrators, such as Jamie Adolescence. On the contrary. But the shadow side of social media has many nuances. What happened to their children is not unusual. People have no idea, says Karin Lagraauw. « I also have no idea for half a time, but at least I know that I don’t know. I know that there is a very large black hole, with an enormous suction. » So the online world. « It is dangerous. »

Because of their privacy, the names of the teenagers involved are not mentioned and therefore not the surname of the fathers. « As a parent you say when they are small: do not go with strangers, » says Van Zijp. « Later it is: don’t chat with strangers, don’t send photos of yourself. If someone asks something crazy, don’t comment on it. » In primary school there had already been an incident in her daughter’s class, even then there was already talk of sending nude photos. « We thought we had finished that reasonably well. »

Vibrate

Her daughter was twelve. She didn’t have many friends at her new school. « On a Friday, I was working, I suddenly had a number of missed broadcasters, » says Van Zijp on the terrace of the same café in Voorburg. « I had a girl who was completely shaking, completely panicking. And the police were on the road. » He was called in by her father Henk. He says on the phone that the panic in the voice of his daughter is « the worst thing I could experience. » He was then abroad.

A boy she thought he was seventeen, had asked her for intimate photos. And she had sent it. He immediately started blackmailing her. She had to transfer 500 euros within five minutes. « Are you going to do it or do I have to post all those kk photos. Have 1 photo with your cancer head on it. » Henk had his son, her brother, immediately made images of the screen with his phone. « The police were very sweet, » says Van Zijp. « But yes, That’s it. They can’t do anything else.  »

Henk did not leave it at that. Through a fake profile he pretended to be a fifteen-year-old girl and managed to get in touch with the extortioner on Snapchat. That worked, and he soon asked for photos again. For months, Henk followed the account to see if the owner gave something price, when he suddenly posted a photo with a recognizable navigation screen with the words ‘Almost home’. On the local neighborhood app of the social network site ‘Nextdoor’, Henk then posted the profile photo of the boy, with the message that he wanted to thank him with a flower because he had helped his daughter so well. « Does anyone recognize him? » Warempel: his father responded.

When the boy was arrested, the intimate photos were still on his phone. This also made the possession of child pornography, so that the police had a strong case. Otherwise they might never have heard of it again, the parents think.

Toxic

Uncertainty in teenagers is of all times, says Karin Lagraauw, mother of the endangered teenage son. But it seems so much more complicated to her now. “It makes me feel stuffy. It’s like that toxic.  » As far as she is concerned, Snapchat should be forbidden for years.  »

« Are you going to do it or do I have to post all those kk photos. Have 1 photo with your cancer head on it. »

The chat medium where photos and messages immediately disappear, hence ‘Snap’ and ‘Chat’, is very popular with young people. The attraction is in filters, with which you can get out of everything when video calling. There are countless chat groups that you will or will not be added. And it never ends. « Like this scary« Says Lagraauw.

That’s how her son got out of hand. She doesn’t want to go too much in detail to protect those involved. She keeps it on jealousy as a source of the misery. That led to gossip, who escalated to calls to wait for him. On Snapchat it is « exploded, » says Lagraauw. You could see from the locations that they stayed around their house, she says. « I thought: coat, in conversation with them. But then my son said: we’re not going to do that. »

Also later, at school, a group was ready to do something to him, she says. A friend came by to report that there was a threat of violence in a Snapchat group. « They wanted to cut his fingers off, that kind of talk, » says Lagraauw. The school could not do more than monitors: every action would aggravate the situation, was the estimate. An internship in a city away brought peace.

She admires her son at the time. It helped that their son took his parents and did not go inside, says father Maarten. His wife calls him a fire extinguisher, « but it was very difficult to put your finger on what was going on, » he says. « The stress level was high. You want to be there for him. You don’t want to be a curling parent », a name for parents who wipe all the obstacles for their children. « But at such a moment. » He also thought: just talk to those guests. « But that was absolutely not. He is not often that clear. »

Lagraauw and her husband have the series Adolescence The two of them looked, their son occasionally joined. « That’s how it goes, » she says. « They have seen some excerpts on Tiktok and then they say, » I have already seen.  » But with the scene of the detective and his son, he happened to be there too. « Then he was full. »

The series is not just an indictment against online culture. Lider is the message about upbringing and family dynamics. « We have the responsibility, » says Lagraauw. « Not the children. Not the government. It’s very easy to point out everything and everyone, but first walk to the mirror. Am I actually available? »

Van Zijp’s traumatic experience made Van Zijp alert. « Karin is always talking about emotional involvement. You can be there, but are you real? I thought I was always there. But was I always emotional? I dare not say that. Who can say that about himself? »

Be alert

She would prefer to tell everyone had happened with her daughter, as a warning. « Beware, beware. But in the end you can do very little. Be alert. And communicate. You can’t do more than make it clear that your children don’t have to be afraid to tell you something. That’s the essence, I think. I don’t expect them to tell me everything, but I want them to be able to tell everything. »

She does not check her daughter’s activities online. Father Henk « occasionally » is. The pin code of the phone is always the same. « If it runs out of the claws, you should be able to intervene, I think. » He does think that she is now old enough to be let go.

Do ‘we’ have to ask children more often how their day was online? Karin Lagraauw laughs. « If you ask young people what the most annoying question is, then it is, » How was it at school?  » This is actually the same question.  » But what then? « My advice: let yourself be taken in their world, be sincerely curious. Or ask something trivial. Such as: Is that something for me, Snapchat? » Really not, « they say. But then you have them on. Because if you ask: how was your day online? Then you will close that Liège. » I’m not going to tell you.  »

Her son is doing well. In the meantime, Lagraauw says, there has been a rapprochement with some of the threats. And to the parents involved. They now also realize that the gossip that were the reason were wrong. That is also the reason that her son thinks it is good that she shares this story, she says.

Van Zijp’s daughter has been afraid of strange men for a long time. She has had psychological help and has new friends. « She’s doing well. I was so proud that she dared to come to the courtroom. » The breacher, who was nineteen at the time of the offense, was convicted last fall. At the hearing it was argued that the father of the perpetrator wants nothing to do with him anymore. « If you are talking about family dynamics, » says Van Zijp. « That is also intense, isn’t it? »

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