Good news: you are 12.5 percent more fun than you think

In my work I meet new people every week. For more than 35 years. That remains exciting. You hope it clicks, but it doesn’t always feel that way. For a while I know that this is due to the ‘Liking Gap’; The sympathy gorge.

Gap

The sympathy gorge is a fairly new concept in psychology. In 2018 Researcher Erica Boothby and her colleagues described This for the first time. They found that we usually underestimate how nice others find us. That applies after a first introduction. But even after longer conversations and even if we have known someone for months. Adults are bothered by this. Young people. Also for children of five years the sympathy gorge was already found.

12.5 percent

In the first study by Boothby, after a two -way five -minute interview, people were asked about their sympathy for the other. That happened on the basis of four questions, such as: « I would like to get to know the other participant better. » They were also asked to estimate how the other person thought about them. On average, participants thought that on a scale of 1 to 7, they were appreciated by the other with a 5.17. In reality, that figure was 12.5 percent higher, namely 5.82. In other studies, also in ‘real life’ situations, a similar gap was found.

Why?

Why do we underestimate how sympathetic others find us? Researchers give different explanations. For example, Boothby and her colleagues stated that most people find it important and creepy how others think about them. That is why we pay extra attention to our own strange or crazy behavior in conversations. Certainly with first introductions.

Later research also shows A relationship with personality characteristics. Those who score lower on extraversion and higher on neuroticism, usually thinks that he is less likely to be with others.

At work

Also in the workplace Researchers found the sympathy gap And various negative consequences. Because anyone who thinks colleagues do not find him or her sympathetic, asks less quickly for help, feel less admitted to a team and shares less information. And that in turn leads to reduced satisfaction and performance. It is not surprising that many organizations work on mutual connection and psychological safety, because those things do not arise automatically.

And now?

Knowledge helps. Anyone who knows the sympathy gorge can correct themselves: « Hey, Ben, they really don’t hate you. » Even better is to focus more on the other person and less on how you come across. Being interesting is fun, showing interest is better, I regularly tell myself.

Still something is bothering me. Thanks for others to find me more sympathetic than I thought. But many of my conversation partners of the past decades may never have heard of the ‘Liking-Gap’. They have believed for years that I don’t like them. I would like to correct that with this: I think you are all much nicer than you think. At least 12.5 percent.

Ben Tiggelaar Writes weekly about personal leadership, work and management.

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