Bullying also passes from the « labels »: how to teach children to give the right meaning to words?

«The words are, in my non -modest opinion, our largest and most inexhaustible source of magic, capable of both provoking pain and alleviating it». It is with this simple and effective definition that JK Rowling, a successful author and « mother » of Harry Potter, explains what « to communicate » and not simply « speak ». Unfortunately, however, Very often words are used superficially, exploiting their meaning. The characteristics, physical and psychological, as well as fragility, sexual orientation, origin or religious belief transform into an insult or a means of hurting. The big ones do it; children imitate him. It will have happened to everyone to hear unhappy comments like « You are a dyslexic », « you are low », « you are fat », « you are a depressed », « you are black », « you are gay », « you are autistic ». They are not in themselves offended or swear words, but expressions that, if used out of context, take on denigrating shades. How can we teach children to speak, giving the right meaning to words, and not simply to pronounce sounds? We asked him to Marta Rizzi, psychologist and psychotherapist expert in parental orientation -oriented parenting theory.

A kind gesture towards the other

«Some words, called with other intent, manage to hurt, to label in terms of risk that one then reread and can be recognized in that labelso it is important that parents pay attention – the expert is recommended, which proposes the term « kindness » as the first educational and preventive word -. All of us, especially if parents, must be consistent with what we say. We must put ourselves the goal of having a kind gesture towards the other daily, of ourselves but also of the environment, precisely to impersonate this value. I say the environment, why The little respect that is seen for common things is now frequent: single -mounted scooters on the ground, paper here and there». Kindness can be practiced in many different ways, with gestures of civic sense, for example by leaving gloves to clean the public gardens, or simply do someone a favor.

The true meaning of words

It is then important to give a weight to the words. «How often do we say to children extremely, when they are very young, who are everyone’s friends? Actually, The friend is a certain person, they are not all friends. Still, we tend to define the classmates in this way, like the little ones who encounter sporadically in the park. This is just an example, but Giving weight to the words means, here too, to be the first parents to give the true meaning to the words we use». And, precisely to deepen the sense of language, the expert suggests the reading of an illustrated album, « The large factory of words»(Terre di Mezzo) for the youngest, and of the novel »The secret society of the Salvaparole»By Enrico Galliano (Salani Editori), for the older ones. « Reading something that follows this teaching can support and strengthen and every time we feel that a word has been used improperly, we should relaunch our children the true value and meaning of that word ».

Validate emotions

« Cancer»It is not a social phenomenon, but a disease; « depression»It is not a way to define a person sad or listless; « dyslexia»It is a learning disorder, not a trivial stumbling block in reading. “They are examples that we can use for teach our children a critical thinking and also the theory of the mind; So understand what the other can think, what can feel, what can hear », continues Marta Rizzi. However, there is a very widespread violence of language, even on television. How can parents be promoters of a change of course? «The conflict can be expressed, but there is still a way to express it. So you can be angry as much as you want, nobody can tell us that we don’t have to or cannot be, but how we manifest it is different. There you have to intervene, not legitimizing the behaviors that can be offesive, which go to harm the other. We validate emotions, but not violence and aggression ».

How to manage labels

When the child returns from school or sports, wounded and a little humiliated, why was he derided and offended, what can the parent do? «First of all we have to give the right meaning to the word, asking the child the meaning of it or if, according to him, the child who insulted him knows him. Let’s behave from the dictionary. We explain that sometimes labels are given to children by adults, after making assessments, as in the case of dyslexic, but that that label is not a negative thingbut it is a difficulty or a difference in the brain of working so that a child must be given different tools, but that that child is the same – in his diversity – to all the others ». Then it is important to welcome the emotions of our child and enhance the fact that he is telling us. «It means that we have worked in parental and relational terms – confirms. When it is calmer, we must make it reason on the intent of the other ». Ask him why, always according to him, the other felt the need to hurt him. « Interaction is a continuous circular of reactions. So, let’s try to analyze what happened before and what may have led him to say and do that thing ».

Flexibility the thought

The next step implies a huge effort for mothers and dads who have to put aside their protective agitation, not feeding the son’s reaction to defend themselves with insults in turn. « You have to take a step back and try to see the offense from another point of life». For example, a child is humiliated by another child because he uses dolls, which are « A female game». «At that point the parent can say: look at that poor boy, who does not have the opportunity to play with everything, but he thinks that only females can use the dolls. It must not be a criticism or a judgment, but a change of perspectives. We have to help children flexible thought». Then, it is necessary to understand if it is a single or repeated episode or if there are other indicators, which may make one think of the bullying.

The child who « label »

If the parent discovers that one’s child tends to insult or improperly use wordsmust be questioned if it is something that may also have involuntarily learned at home, perhaps because of a way of joke or be ironic. « We must ask ourselves if we are subject to prejudice and judgmentsand that point when an unsustainted comment escapes us – which can also be human – we must correct the shot, and as we said before, try to change perspective – Recommend the psychologist -. Then we have to ask ourselves why our child had that type of need and therefore take a context exam ». How can we intervene on the child? « We intervene in a training logic atempathy; So, we can try to ask: in your opinion how he felt the other when he told him that he is a fat, a dyslexic or that you killed him if he didn’t do a certain thing? ». Forbidden to scold? «As far as possible, because the hardness of the intervention must arrive. The message must be serious: the offense to humiliate or injure is not done, because the other is boiled. However, we must not be judging or too severe because, if a single time has happened, this must be an opportunity to teach our children something ».

Three sentences to keep in mind

The educational relationship is woven in words, but what words? We choose three: « « There are », in the logic of contact-president, then « you are like the other » and « diversity is not a threat, but an opportunity to learn ». I know they are not words but phrases, but I think they are important », concludes Marta Rizzi.