« Aging is painful – why can’t we say so? »
What is it like to grow old, go into aging and know that you are approaching death? In the general debate, one does not like to talk about old people, rather that « seventy is the new fifty » or « annual ».
It means denying aging rather than accepting it. Seeing reality as it is can mean that aging is painful – a suffering. And it is not less painful because it is taboo to talk about. Maybe you are joking about their bad memory. But who jokes about being incontinent?
I speak from the outside My experience of away from 500 hours of conversation with the elderly during home visits. For a few years now, as a priest, as well as a psychologist, within the framework of the Sofia parish and with the support of the district council at Södermalm in Stockholm, I have had conversations with people 75 years and older. A new business with an offer to talk about what feels most important – whether you are a member of the Swedish Church or not.
Maybe you are joking about their bad memory. But who jokes about being incontinent?
I have not controlled the conversations but only listened and commented on what people spontaneously told about. Most I have met away from 10-12 hours and the calls have been documented. It is mainly a group of well -educated people living in Stockholm’s inner city.
What was talking about then The elderly about? It was about three areas: how life has been, how life is now and existential/spiritual issues. There was no common problem that the majority raised. Rather, there were a number of problematic areas that many had more or less experience with.
Most people told us about painful experiences in the now situation-by being older. I met many elderly people with pain in the soul and despair about anxiety/anxiety, depression, sleep difficulties and suicidal thoughts. Two out of three talked about how life was limited when they gradually lost their abilities, both physical and mental.
However, the variations were tangible: a 77-year-old may have blood pressure medicine and run marathons-while a year-old can sit solidified in Parkinson’s disease, have home service around the clock and be incontinent. But it is rather the marathon runner that is highlighted in the media, while the Parkinson-Inquinenta may stay in the shade.
We live any longer And becoming more and more elderly in society. The longer we live, the more losses we are involved. A common loss was that a relative had been demented and/or died. It was also about adult children, who were seriously injured or died by accident, illness or suicide.
Several elderly people talked about this: not to be needed anymore, have no task
I also met several elderly people with adult children who have distanced themselves from the parents for unclear reasons. So it was for Carl, 98, who has been elected by his son for 25 years. He tries again to make contact with the son, who rejects him. Carl loses the desire for life and does not want to live anymore, especially as there are so many things he can no longer do.
Several elderly people talked about this: not to be needed anymore, has no task. The feeling of being superfluous. Unfortunately, Sweden in surveys is high compared to other countries when it comes to ageism.
Elderly loneliness is often highlighted in the general debate. During these home visits, I obviously met people who told them that they felt lonely. But what dominated was the now-situation: that you get anxiety, concern about a grandchild, a spouse who drinks, to sit in a wheelchair, that you are basically blind, to be deprived of the driver’s license, the lack of a sibling. Of course, I also met the elderly who had a meaningful life and good relationships, such as Åke who was grateful for all the new times as a pensioner that could be devoted to the model building with cars that he drove with out in nature.
It was painful to take part in very severe human deaths – where the question is raised in one: « Is there no limit to how much a person can be affected? No matter where you are on the scale to be a believer or not, there is no power that distributes the disasters in a fair way, nor after each of them.
As well as a priest and a psychologist, I have had my whole life that the truth should make us free, something an insightful person claimed just over 2,000 years ago. Many of the conversations have been about putting the suffering on the table; Seeing reality with translucent glasses instead of rose -shimmering – which can help to relate to the difficult.
Many elderly people took up existential issues such as thoughts about death and not to live anymore. But what dominated in the conversations was the suffering in the now situation. We need this knowledge of aging, which has its basis in people’s own stories.
After all these conversations, I generally perceive aging as a painful life crisis. This is reinforced by the fact that it is taboo in society to talk about what it really is. We have to put the cards on the table and openly talk about the painful aging. Only then can we together discuss and understand which strategies could facilitate going through this process.
Several people work in elderly care, from home service staff to researchers and have experience of what can be done. The beginning is to inventory all good examples in elderly care that are in the municipalities, as well as within the voluntary organizations. It can be about individual conversations, group talks on aging, efforts where the capacity of the elderly can be used.
In the end, it must be about measures throughout society, from top to bottom. We all have a responsibility.
